What does coaching actually look like?
A peek inside an example session
What actually happens in a coaching session?
For a long time, I imagined business coaching sessions as one very smart, successful business owner telling a client exactly what they needed to do to make a bajillion dollars.
I imagined life coaching as someone very organized telling someone else how to get organized with their life. Checklists. Motivating speeches.
The truth is that there are a lot of different types of coaches out there, and there are likely people who call themselves coaches and do those things.
The style of coaching I was trained in and practice is quite different from those pictures.
It’s the style I practice that made me start coaching in the first place. I’ll never forget the first time I watched Tara Mohr do a coaching demo.
I didn’t know how to explain what she did and what I witnessed then. All I knew was that the entire demeanor of the client transformed over the session. They didn’t just find clarity–they found peace.
Even now, after many, many hours of training and practice, I think it’s easier to show than it is to explain.
So I wanted to share a glimpse into an example session. To protect confidentiality, this situation is a mix of a few client sessions from different clients.
The Situation
This particular client came to me feeling stuck by criticism she’d experienced several months prior.
Ever since the criticism, she’d found herself holding back on posting to her business social media and email channels. Part of her knew that she wanted to keep posting, not just to feed her business, but to help the clients she cared deeply about.
But every time she thought about publishing a new piece, she would overthink, freeze, and struggle to follow through, questioning what people would think or criticize. It was starting to affect not just her psyche, but her results in her business.
If I were that business coach that I’d imagined years ago, I probably would have given her some productivity hacks to squash procrastination.
If I were that life coach I’d envisioned, I probably would have given her a pep talk about not caring what other people think.
But from my experience, training, and perspective, I don’t think those would have really helped.
First Step: Unhooking
Instead, I invited her into a different kind of conversation.
We worked with an approach inspired by Tara Mohr’s “Unhooking from Criticism” exercise. Through a series of questions, she explored what the criticism meant about the people who gave the criticism, and whether or not they were stakeholders in her business. In this case, it challenged her assumptions about it having anything to do with her at all.
I didn’t sit there and tell her to not sweat it.
I didn’t try to reassure her with praises about how amazing she was.
Instead, together, we created an exit ramp from the mental loop that kept her stuck–the type of loop we can all find ourselves in. Ruminating over self-criticism. Obsessively searching for ways to keep us safe from criticism in the future.
This was an exit ramp she could take in the future if it happened again, one that could connect her back to her own wisdom of knowing who she was, what she really cared about, and how to leave feedback that wasn’t relevant, and lovingly incorporate feedback that was.
By the time we were done, I could see a visible change on her face. She said that for the first time, the feedback felt separate from her. It was a huge weight lifted.
Second Step: Calming the fear
We still had another half hour. From that steadier ground, we turned toward the part of her that felt too scared to publish after receiving that harsh feedback.
Even though the weight of the feedback lifted, that part was still scared of criticism in the future.
In turning toward that part, we discovered that there were actually several parts that this situation had triggered:
A part that felt really scared
A part that wanted to prove everyone wrong
A part that wanted to please everyone around her
At first, the parts felt overwhelming. They were loud and arguing with each other. It was clear why she was struggling so much to move forward–who could pick a direction with that many parts of you pulling at your attention?
So she closed her eyes, and we slowed everything down.
With gentle guidance, I helped her listen to and calm the parts that were riled up. We did this in a way very similar to how you might mediate a group of very concerned people talking over each other.
It was calm, loving, compassionate.
When we finished, she opened her eyes, and told me that she felt an actual shift in her gut. A release.
Third Step: Channeling her new energy
The end of the session is when we usually integrate shifts during the session into future work.
For this particular session, the client told me that she could so much more clearly hear the part of her that wanted to support her clients, that wasn’t concerned about irrelevant feedback. It felt exciting, motivating. It was a far-cry from how she felt about it at the start of the session.
With a quieter brain, her next steps felt so much clearer—both in what the steps were and in the lack of obstacles to move forward with them.
We spent a few minutes to make some goals to channel that new clearing.
How would she like to put that compassionate desire to help her clients into action this week? (Publish something? Reach out to past clients? Create a new resource?)
What does she want to remember to do if her fear or another protective part starts speaking up again, holding her back?
Usually this portion of the session comes with some concrete deadline goals for the week, if that works well for a client.
For other clients (looking at you, my dear Rebels), deadlines can backfire, so we just name the intention and identify a map to the energy that motivates them to do it.
And then when it feels complete, we part, making a commitment to check in on how it goes next time.
For each client and for each session, our process can vary. These were the tools we chose for this session, but the next session will likely call for a different set: maybe exercises I’ve learned from trainings, maybe something that organically grows from our conversation.
However throughout every coaching session, the goal is to support you in navigating the wild terrain your mind, body, and external environment can present while moving toward your goals.
It’s about helping you move toward your goals in a way that feels exciting, aligned, and loving to yourself.
And while you or others reading this might have never heard of a coaching relationship, let alone known what they could look like in a session, the truth is that these types of human relationships have existed across our history, we’ve just called them different things.
We are not evolved to navigate this world alone, however dissonant that is to the individualist narrative.
We are evolved to move forward together. And coaching, today, is one avenue for doing that.
—>If you’re curious if coaching might be able to help you, feel free to reach out. We can meet to chat about what it could look like for you, as well as do a taster session so you can get a feel.